Somedays I only spend a few minutes opposing depressions ideas. All this conscious effort comes at a cost. And it makes me fight, spending my energy to stay away from depression’s unhelpful thinking. And then depression adds an even harsher tidbit to my unhelpful thinking. Depression can fill the room with as many regrets as I can take. All I need to do is open the door and let them in. I do not need to spend energy staying away from these negative, unhelpful thoughts. The easy way then is to resign myself to living in the past where I drown in my own regrets. “If I had only …” becomes my attitude and everything I think about is then covered in unhelpful thoughts. Staying out of that unhelpful thinking trap requires an effort to change my attitude towards these past incidents.
I have written extensively on coulda, woulda, shoulda. There is catastrophizing and some all-or-nothing thinking in the preceding paragraphs. I can recognize unhelpful thinking styles, sometimes as they occur. Now that I am examining my depression under a microscope, I am seeing all the little ways it permeates my daily activities. Being able to keep my actions out in the open, to be transparent, as it were, can be ever so hard. Keeping my business away from depression is a full-time occupation.Īs much as I think I am getting “better,” I am doing much of the work at my own expense. It will be much easier for everyone, especially depression. I should let go of others and take the lead from depression. After all, everyone else is out to get me. Depression makes it clear that I am better off only sharing my thoughts or concerns with it. The fewer people I talk to, the easier it is for depression to entice me. “Without me,” depression says, “you are nothing.” And depression creates in my mind, reasons why I should be secretive. When depression is not feeling like it is number 1, it sets out to find ways to remind me. It is not satisfactory to only be an after-thought. Doing the right thing as a marriage partner makes depression jealous.ĭepression clearly wants to drive a wedge into my personal relationship. Knowingly, I relinquish some of that freedom as a partner in marriage.
Im so tired free#
I am free to live my life using my own internal compass. Once again, no one is forcing me to behave a certain way. Photo by Cris Saur on Unsplash Projecting a positive, can-do attitude somedays takes all the energy I have.Īnd I am being to feel overwhelmed by the demands I am placing on myself.
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